Annoying Nelly and the VGF

Annoying Nelly and the VGF

There is a certain person in my life that makes me crazy. Let’s call her Annoying Nelly for the sake of anonymity. I know for certain she does not read this blog so I am totally safe! Phew. Now that’s out of the way, hop on! I’m about to go off.

Now let me say from the outset that I love Nelly. And not in a casual, “Oh, I just LOVE that outfit on you!” kind of way I’ve known her for a good many years and we are pretty solidly committed to our friendship. Sure, we’ve done each other wrong on occasion, but for some reason or other, we always come back around to making a go at being buddies. But recently her shenanigans have irked me to no end and so this morning, after a night spent tossing and turning with heartburn caused by a recent relational commotion, I decided I was done with her for good this time. It was finally time to give Nelly the “bye-bye boot”!

So while I was riding my bike, I was working out our break-up conversation. It went something like this,

Me: “You suck at being my friend.”

Nelly: “Right back atcha, you big Nerd.”

Me: “I’d rather eat grub worms than look at your veiny face any longer.”

Nelly: “I’m vain because I’m actually beautiful, unlike SOME people.”

Me: “I said vein, not vain.”

Nelly: “Ugh. You disgust me. Get out of my face.”

Me: “Fine!”

Nelly: “Fine!

The Queen Cheese has an odor…

Now the dear read must understand that Nelly is the Queen Cheese, and I’m not talking cheddar(because that would be an offense to cows the world over). Nelly is never (admittedly) wrong and her arrogance often defies reason. For example, when I ask for a smidgeon of kindness because my nose hair is malfunctioning, she balks. But should the corns on her big toe flare up, Dear God in Heaven, she will moan so loudly the moon shouts at her to shut up. And God forgive the sun for daring to shine on her suffering. But this barely skims the iceberg(why not mix and match clichés?). If given the option, I’m 98% certain she would boil live crabs to consume them AND mutilate baby’s breath in order to put them in something as ghastly as a vase. As if people actually want to watch decapitated flowers die a slow and painful death. (And if the dear reader knew how flagrant her use of the word chigger while camping in the woods, one would know how grievous her sins truly are, but I digress).

So between murdering flowers and properly identifying skin feasting insects, she diverged to invite me to an event to which I was not inclined to attend. And when I not-so-kindly responded, “I don’t want to attend but if you say I must, I suppose I must,” she said, “Tough noogies! Be there or be rare(because everybody who’s anyone will be there and that makes them common and you not-so-much)”.

So while I was dragging my sore nose follicles around my admittedly never-clean-house, I sighed. Because when I’m frustrated, I exhale a lot, as if heavy breathing will get me out of events I am not inclined to attend. So my husband said, “If you don’t want to go, don’t go.” But then I considered Nelly and her purplish, perpendicular-pursed lips, and in my heart-of-shriveled-hearts I knew that was not really an option.

Which is how we ended up seated at a table shooting dagger-cicles at each other with our optical orbs and consuming vast quantities of an unnamed beverage(okay, mine was water, hers not so much). And while we left the event with nary an unkind word, it was abundantly clear that we despised the ground the other pummeled with her feet and were destined to be ex best friends forever.

You cholesterol Hag!

Because really, who eats fried chicken AND mashed potatoes AND macaroni and cheese AND corn bread muffins and retains their figure in a 40+ environment? Did I mention that I hate her (cholesterol saturated) guts?

So while I was working out our friend-busting dialogue in my brain, I heard the following verses through my earbuds via my ESV audio Bible(recorded by David Cochran Heath!).

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you.” – Gospel of John 15:12-14

And somewhere in those few lines it felt implied that if I broke up with Annoying Nelly, I would somehow be snubbing the friendship of God.


Cue the epic pout.

And after I was done pouting(while watching out for loose lightning bolts to shoot out of the sky and fry me like a mosquito at a bug zapper), I decided to ask God to help me love my friend instead. And while love is decidedly more difficult and not nearly as hilarious to write about, it is certainly a more worthwhile endeavor.

If you are struggling with a difficult friend today, take heart! You are not alone. And while there are a million reasons why you should break up with that person, and most of those are verifiably disgusting and abhorrently true, you are brave and beautiful if you do not. While I am learning the discipline of loving and forgiving the Annoying Nellies of the world, I am creatively conscious of the Very Good Friend who keeps no record of (my) wrongs and who has lovingly commanded me to go forth and do the same. And maybe this is what it means to lay down my own life (my will, my desires, my freedoms) in order to love Annoying Nelly. And here I’ll be completely candid, it really does feel like dying a thousand a little deaths over and over again, but when I consider that my VGF is a giver of life, laying down this Nerd body becomes less of a burden and more of a great and wonderful joy.

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