Have you ever felt like you couldn’t do something you really wanted to do? Was it a wish, hope or dream that seemed so unreachable you dared not even try to reach for it? Life is filled with these things we want but cannot have, but who said we shouldn’t try? I believe sometimes God gives us these dreams so that we will reach for them — with one caveat — we ask for His help to achieve them.
I have struggled with insecurity for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, I did not think I was smart. I remember my second-grade teacher, Miss Keck, spending time with me after school to help me learn the multiplication tables. We ran through flash cards over and over again, but I felt like I couldn’t retain the information. In the third grade I was placed in a class for children who learn at a slower pace, and I believe that is when I started to believe what the other children called out to me. “Margaret is a dummy!”
Math was a “problem” all through school. I didn’t understand it. It felt like learning a foreign language. I honestly believed I was no good at it, so I didn’t really try. I was forced to go through the motions and somehow bumbled my way through grade school and junior high. When I bumped into geometry in the 9th grade, what a disaster! I was as lost as a fish in a flood. When the water receded, I was stuck in a ditch gasping for air with not a stream in sight.
I may not have wanted to learn math, but I did want to be thin. I weighed over 300 pounds and I wanted to be thin more than ham wants to be in a sandwich. I wanted to not be ashamed when I went shopping for clothes and couldn’t find anything in my size that looked decent. I wanted people to like me, not pity me because I was a big fatty. I felt ugly, weak and inadequate. These feelings of helplessness were overwhelming as I tried (unsuccessfully) to lose weight and keep it off.
My journey to learn discipline took me down a path I never imagined. Where I saw thick trees of impossibility and pain, God saw a destination lined with flowers of freedom. All He asked was that I lean on Him and trust Him to give me the necessary strength for each day, one day at a time.
Even though I was successful in my private life (losing 140 pounds and keeping it off for 15 years), I have struggled in my professional life. I did not believe I was smart enough to learn certain new concepts. I have several colleagues who encouraged me to change my thinking. These dear friends poured inspiration and hope into my life. Their gentle encouragement to learn and grow have fueled my courage like nitroglycerin in a weak heart. (It works by promoting blood flow and relaxing the blood vessels so the heart does not need to work as hard and therefore does not need as much oxygen.)
But in reality, disappointment lurks around every corner. Like a hooded stranger eager to rob us of our hopes and dreams, he exists to “get us in the guts” and take our goods. I got so hyper-focused on avoiding this dude I stopped dreaming. I stopped believing there was any good goal I could achieve. I reasoned I was too old, too tired, and not smart enough to try new things. I have always been allergic to change. I like sameness. But the elimination of my job at work in October of last year (2024) shook me to my core.
I saw my entire team “repurposed”. Our roles were erased, and we were given new jobs. I loved my team. I loved each person like a family member. So, as we sat in a room struggling to do what our leaders asked of us (chart out our work and turn it into a process that no longer involved us), we wept. We were angry. Because that old nemesis of mine, disappointment, was twisting the knife. We got through it, but it was terrible.
In March I decided to attend a small conference I had committed to before my team was disbanded. I didn’t care that I was no longer doing that work. I wanted to be there with my best colleague and friend. I intended to just take a break from my ‘my new normal’ for a few hours but incredibly found myself engaged and inspired. The St. Louis Op Ex group does fascinating work. As leaders from various organizations described the work they had done to improve operational efficiency in their respective companies, I discovered hope beating in my heart and wondered if I could do that kind of work.
So I buckled down, studied, and took the test. And I passed! I got my very first professional certification. I am a 6Sigma yellow belt. I am 50 years old and never imagined I would consider a new career path this late in life.
God gives us the ability to meet the challenges in front of us with courage. He directs our paths as the sovereign rule over creation. He knew my weakness in spirit and sent friends to encourage me. He gave me His words in the bible to remind me who He is. And then He helped me with discipline so I could learn new things. It’s remarkable for someone like me, who thought so little of myself for so long.
I applied for a new position at work and made it to the first round of interviews. I feel so vulnerable putting that here in this public space. But I have decided even if I don’t get the position, I will continue this learning journey. I will not give up. I will not lose heart.
Ron Block wrote a beautiful song titled, “Another Life I’m Living On“. It feels so apt to this path I’m on. The chorus says,
“God is love and we’re the branches on the tree. Dependent on the love to live the life we cannot lead. If only God is good, then good we cannot be. In our weakness He is strong. It’s another life we’re living on.”
I met Mr. Block at a conference in Nashville several years ago when I still had hopes and dreams of being a writer. He was very humbly teaching and encouraging young musicians to work hard and never give up. I have so much respect for him as a human being and a singer, song-writer. So, as I listened to this song over and over this week, I was so encouraged by the scriptural truth he sang. God loves us. He knows we are weak and cannot be all that we want to be because of our sinful nature. But we can live the life we want to live in Him instead. It is a beautiful, wonderful truth that fills my heart with Joy Invincible.
Today, if you have given up, or if you believe you are not smart enough to do something you really want to do — cry out to God for help. That desire exists inside of you because He put it there. He loves you and He wants you to be the very best version of yourself. He will help you. In your weakness, He is strong. Lean on Him and accept His gift of love. It will propel you to places you never even imagined you could go.
Conversely, if you find yourself in a place of helplessness and immobility due to age or affliction, I encourage you to trust God’s perfect plan and rest in His promises. This world is NOT our home. And for all that we do or don’t achieve here, He loves us and is preparing a place for us in Heaven.
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