Destination Discipline

It should be evident by this point that I dropped off the grid for a week. And while I’m not sure anyone noticed, I thought I’d acknowledge it. I’ve been on a journey of sorts, what you might call walking through the wasteland. I have tried analyzing it, tried to explain it(via diet or exercise) and I can’t come up with a definitive reason why. What I do know is this, on Tuesday of last week I woke up feeling healthy and alive and generally good. When I woke up Wednesday morning I felt as if I had passed into shadow.

Let me elaborate. I couldn’t get out of bed because I was very tired. So I didn’t work out and barely made it to work. I couldn’t concentrate. I felt sad, but I didn’t know why. There was no trouble at home, no particular challenge at work, other than the usual stress, and no overarching familial malaise. I couldn’t make a decision without intense concentration and even then, many things fell through the cracks. I struggled with basic tasks, picking out clothes, making my lunch and even going to sleep.

I tried rationalizing diet(I ate a small ice cream cone Tuesday night and thought maybe there were some offensive chemicals in it that were eating at my insides) I even thought maybe I was exercising too much and needed to rest(which I did). But the days continue to drag on and I feel no better than I did last Tuesday, except for the occasional coffee induced uptick in mood.

It is during these moments I begin to ponder the question many of us ask when depression, illness or catastrophe fall into our laps, why?

It is the great question of suffering, why must I endure it? I don’t want to sound melodramatic. Just because I don’t feel well I am obviously doing a lot better than say, Joni Eareckson Tada who is paralyzed from the neck down and fighting cancer. But I don’t want to oversimplify it either. I feel as if I am pressed into the earth by a large rock and no way to remove it. So how do I escape?

This depression is not new to me. I have endured it many times over the years. It comes and goes like the seasons. I am grateful that I understand my body more now than I did even 5 years ago. I used to lash out at everyone around me, blaming whoever was closest for my suffering. The main difference between then and now is that I recognize the signs and am able to formulate my responses to them.

In truth, I have been too exhausted to think much less write out my thoughts-which is why I haven’t posted here. I was too busy trying to decide what to purchase for my 16 year old son on the occasion of his 16th birthday. We are on a limited budget and I could not afford his number one pick. And this is where the going got really tough.

When I feel this bad, the only thing that makes me feel better is food. To make matters worse it was suddenly birthday season; my husband’s birthday on 1/28 and then my oldest on 2/4. As a sugar fiend and self-described food addict I began to contemplate all manner of self-indulgence and how that would help me feel better. The thing is, I know something else I didn’t know a few years ago: trying to eat my pain away doesn’t work. So I fell to my last resort: prayer.

Saturday morning it took me an hour to get dressed to go walk outside. It was gray and cold and felt like hell. I didn’t want to do it but I walked anyway. As I walked I prayed and asked God to help me keep moving, to not give up, to not give in to my flesh in a carnal way. And then I asked for sunshine and blue sky. I have to tell you, at 9:00am on Saturday morning there was no sunshine and no blue sky. It was as January as January gets(minus sleet and snow). And then I quite literally turned a corner(from Calverton Road to Florissant Road) and saw shadows in the shape of trees on the ground. I looked up and felt warm sunshine on my face, even though the sky was still gray and cloudy. Moments later I saw a smidgeon of blue behind the clouds and then glory in the form of full sunshine and more blue sky than gray. So maybe I’m crazy, and maybe I’m a dreamer, but I began to cry because in that moment all I could think about was that even though I felt sad and shaky and gray inside, God had opened the clouds and poured out His love for me in the form of sunshine and blue skies. That moment of glory filled me with the knowledge that I wasn’t alone.

The depression did not miraculously lift. I never did find a gift for my son. My mom made the cake and threw the party. But I am still filled with that moment of grace.

There are people in this world who would tell me I am nuts. They might say there is no God, that sunshine and blue skies were forecasted, and I’m a Bible thumping fundamentalist. I won’t dispute them. We all have our own belief system. But I will say this, I know in my heart I have a friend who loves me enough to shine rays through my darkness, to envelope me with love more tangible than touch, and to fill me with hope so sweet I can taste it on my tongue. And because of that love(which speaks truth to my heart), I was able to resist 3 cakes, peanut m&m’s, cookies, various chips and snacks on four separate occasions over the past week. And though I limp(emotionally), I am still walking.

The only reason I share all of this is because I felt maybe it would encourage others who deal with similar issues. We all have something we struggle with whether it be sugar, physical pain or grief. To that person I say this, there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother and I hope one day you experience the kind of comfort I received Saturday morning.

For those who love scripture, I share these words that I have been listening to while I walk.

Ephesians 3:14-20

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

Have you heard the term “modern convenience”? I lump many things into this category; automobiles, washing machines, dishwashers, and elevators. But the term is not restricted to machines. Think canned food, frozen dinners, and Pizza Hut(my personal favorite). We’ve got television so we don’t have to think for ourselves. We have smart phones to deliver the internet and instant access to people(no more writing letters). For a few bucks we can hop on an airplane and travel to another country in one day as opposed to spending weeks on a boat. The twentieth century has primed us to be a culture of ease. No wonder we’re fat. If anyone manages to invent an anti-gravity device, the human race is doomed.

So why do something difficult if there is an easier way? After all, scientists and inventors spent a lot of time creating these time saving devices. But do we actually have more time in the day? If we do, why do people tell me, “I don’t have time to exercise.”

Pride of Ownership

I don’t always enjoy working out. There. I’ve said it. Some mornings I wake up and think, “I would rather get a root canal than work out today.” Sometimes my body needs to rest, but I can’t skip my workout too frequently even though it would be immediately convenient. So what motivates me to get on the elliptical machine when I would rather melt it down for scrap? Pride of ownership. First, I am fairly certain my body is the only body I will have for the rest of my life, unless someone invents brain transplants(see human race=doomed comment above). Second, when I tackle a difficult task and complete it I am proud of myself. I know what being proud of myself feels like. It’s awesome! Therefore, I see into the future that if I complete a difficult workout I will like me. So I do it.

I also think this way about food. I may really want Pizza Hut, but I know that if I abstain I will be proud of myself(not to mention thankful for the absence of indigestion and heartburn).

I may have mentioned one of the triggers for me to get healthy was recognizing my addiction to sugary treats. I literally couldn’t envision a day where I didn’t consume pounds of candy. Deciding to cut sugar out of my diet wasn’t particularly difficult but living through the first week without it was pure hell. I took the first step and then analyzed myself. How did I actually feel after one week without sugar? I honestly didn’t feel much different physically. I still weighed 310 pounds. I still craved White Castle. But how I felt in my spirit is a different story. Before that week I didn’t think it was possible. But I did it. And I was so proud of myself. I wondered if I could make it one more week. I tried and I did it. Then I began to notice changes in my body. I noticed I didn’t get as hungry as I used to. My cravings for fast food gradually subsided. I began to notice the natural sweetness in foods(I could not believe milk was naturally sweet!). When I think about the fact that I could have gone my entire life without enjoying an orange(too sour!) I grieve. Cutting sugar out of my diet changed my life. To be completely truthful, I actually enjoy food more now that I did before. All because I attempted to do something difficult. Sometimes recognizing the difference between “difficult” and “impossible” is the beginning of a miracle.

Each days brings its own particular set of challenges. Some seem so large I hide in the bathroom. It’s true. Don’t tell anybody. But even on those days I have ammunition.

I don’t talk enough about faith and the roll it has played in my journey. How in the beginning I prayed that God would help me to not eat sugar. How He answered that prayer. How He helped me recover after eating a bowl of cookie dough(my favorite guilty pleasure) three months into my journey. How He helped me keeping walking when I desperately wanted to quit. Some days I don’t really understand how I have managed to lose 140 pounds and change my life. Then I realize, it wasn’t me. It was God, showing me my weaknesses and then giving me the strength to keep tackling them when I fail. It started with a simple prayer, “Lord, teach me how to be disciplined.”

Discipline is not convenient. It is by definition difficult. And while I love my car and I love my washing machine, I love my body more. I am now willing to forgo “convenience” to care for it. If that means giving up Pizza Hut and learning how to make healthy homemade pizza instead, by golly I’m game. Even if it means spending 60 minutes to prepare it instead of having it delivered at the door.

Adversity takes many different shapes. It is the empty bank account when the mortgage is due and the bully who takes pride in making one feel inferior. How we react to adversity says a great deal about our character.

Today I had the great privelege to revisit a time of adversity in my life. I went through a work situation that was extremely difficult several years ago. I don’t say that lightly. It was months of being brave when I felt like crumbling inside. Inevitably I resigned, unable to continue in a deteriorating environment. I felt like a failure. And though I have never regretted my decision it has always felt unfortunate.

Looking through the lens of experience I see that situation quite differently today. I wonder if I had the self confidence I do now that I would have responded differently. I like to think I would. I spend a great deal of time trying to encourange people facing adversity. I honestly believe exhibiting a positive attitude plays a great role in helping us to get through difficult situations. Instead of saying, “I can’t” say “I can” and try. You never know if you can if you don’t try.

Seven years ago I sat across a desk from someone with tears in my eyes bemoaning a co-worker who seemed set on getting me fired. Rather than bear up under it, I quit. It was the beginning of a time of great turmoil in my life. As I thought about it today I realized how far I have come and how much I have grown. In an interesting turn of events I had the opportunity to sit across the table from that same person under different circumstances and with a completely different outcome. I felt vindicated in some respects and also that I had come full circle. It was an opportunity to physically and spiritually experience resolution to something that has long troubled me.

We often ask why we must face adversity. It always feels unfair and unnecessary. But facing trials makes us better human beings if we learn from the experience. If we walk through the fire and live to tell the tale we have the choice to become bitter or see our lives as blessed.

I have a friend who inspires me every single day. She has faced great adversity in her life and lives to tell the tale. She lost a child. She was abused by her husband. There was a time in her life when she felt hopeless, like we all do at some point in our lives. She is a source of great strength to me because she has learned from it all and endeavors to share her life experience with others so they too can learn from her pain. She has the most beautiful smile and positive attitude of anyone I know and I love her for it.

Juxtapose this with a woman I knew 7 years ago who was divorced, bitter and lashed out at every person she met with venom. When she wasn’t complaining about how terrible her life was she was busy ruining the lives of those around her. She proved to me that bitterness is cancer of the soul.

I don’t have to ask myself which one I want to be.

Around 1:00pm today I hung my head at my desk and began to cry. I thought to myself, “I can’t.” Then I took a deep breath. And another. I lifted my head and said, “I can.” And I did.

Praise God! I am not a quitter anymore.

And while I wish I didn’t have to walk through so many valleys to come to this place in my life, I know that I would not be the same person without them.