Destination Discipline

Sometimes I look at myself and think, wow, did I really do that? Did I really lose 140 pounds by diet and exercise? That is just incredible! Now, maybe you are thinking, “Gee, Margaret. You are one big jerk. I want to lose weight and I can’t. It’s impossible. And here you are bragging about it. Holy Moses! You should just shut up and go gain 40 pounds because you annoy me.

I’m sorry I annoy you. People that lose weight and keep it off used to annoy me too. When I used to encounter them, I only wanted to give them a swift poke in the eye. So when I say that I am amazed at my story, it is only because I really like to eat. And sometimes it feels surreal that I can eat until I am full and not gain all the weight back. Also, I marvel at my own story because I still struggle with overeating, regaining weight, and trying to lose it again. I didn’t take a magic pill that allowed me to lose the weight and keep it off. If I don’t want to be really fat, I have to keep working at it. This is real life. But what I will say is that it is worth it. All the sweat dripping and salty tears have paid dividends in good health. So today if you are thinking about changing your lifestyle(not going on a diet–diets never work), keep reading. I want you to know that living a healthy lifestyle might be more achievable than you realize, and it only requires changing your thought processes regarding how to go about it.

Three days ago, Thanksgiving heralded the great turkey of gladness. You have to understand that I love to eat turkey. Sometimes I feel guilty about this because turkeys are probably really nice if you get to know them in person. So for the purpose of this blog I will have to suspend my sympathetic turkey emotions and focus on how I got through Thanksgiving without gaining 5 pounds.

I was eating leftovers on Friday when it occurred to me that I needed some fudge. I grew up with the great delight(read horrible curse) of homemade fudge around the holidays. One of my very comforting habits was consuming vast amounts of turkey and then chasing that with homemade fudge. So when the urge came over me to make fudge and eat it until I could not eat any more, I got sick. Literally sick. My knee jerk emotional response to craving fudge sent me straight to the bathroom where my turkey threatened to come back up. That is how terrified I was of falling back into that pattern. I say all of this to make very clear that lifelong habits do not just disappear. Memories are potent and powerful. In order to lose weight and keep it off, you must deal with those emotions. Face them. Stab them with your steely resolve and conquer through them. That is the very beginning of your journey.

In order to see the truth about your situation, you must look honestly at yourself. Take off the pretty bow you wrap yourself in when everyone is watching, and really look at who you are. Is this who you want to be? Have you settled because changing would be too difficult? That is where my journey began. I knew my life was a mess. I was miserable resting in my nest of lies, but worse, I couldn’t break free because I couldn’t even see that they were lies. I had to (slowly) learn to see the truth. The truth was, I was very fat(310 pounds to be precise). I hated not being able to wear normal-sized clothes. I hated that people treated me poorly because of my weight(fat prejudice is real). I wanted to lose weight but I “needed” my favorite foods because they comforted me. I didn’t know they were killing me. I really didn’t. And I didn’t want to know, which was a large part of the problem.

The very thought of living without my cache of candy freaked me out. So when I got pissed off enough to consider trying to lose weight, the very first thing I did was consider how I would cope without my continual sugar intake. That was when I knew I had to give up sugar cold turkey. I didn’t even think about all the calories I was consuming–I saw only that I was a serious sugar addict and I had to stop. Now maybe sugar isn’t your problem. That’s for you to ascertain. I only knew that I needed to change my life and sugar was an all or nothing proposition. I chose nothing.

(*disclaimer – any foods containing refined white flour, white rice, pasta, corn syrup or refined white sugar ARE sugar)

I also knew fast food was high in calories and that had to go too. No more White Castle runs. No more soda. Thankfully, I never even considered diet soda because, to be honest, I never liked it. Today I realize what a grace that was as I see so many friends addicted to their diet beverage of choice. I have since learned diet soda is filled with nasty chemicals that prevent weight loss.

Then there was the exercise situation. Just ugh. I knew I needed to workout but I honestly would rather have eaten worms than join a gym. I didn’t want people staring at “the fat girl”. Been there. Done that. Lost a lot of money not weight. I considered that I hadn’t spent a lot of money gaining the weight(other than on food) and thus I didn’t want to spend a lot of money to lose the weight. Yes, I’m a miser. So that left working out at home. I didn’t have money to invest in workout equipment but I figured I could walk around the block. At least that was cheap. Shoot, it was free! And I like free.

When I considered all of these things, I hadn’t even changed my lifestyle yet. I was simply thinking about the things I could do that might help me lose weight. I never actually thought it was possible. I just knew I really wanted to try. But the most important thing I did happened before I even bought one healthy piece of food….I prayed. You see, I saw the desperate situation I was in and I knew I couldn’t do it by myself. What I did know was that I really loved God and I had this vague idea that He loved me too. I also knew that the Bible said I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me(Philippians 4:13). I knew I was missing something about how to tap into that strength and so I asked for help. To recap, I knew I “couldn’t” give up the foods I loved(lusted over), I “couldn’t” exercise, and I knew I was vastly unhappy. Also, I had seen and read about people who were disciplined and I knew I really wanted to learn how to discipline my body. So my prayer was simply this, “God, would you please help me to learn discipline?”

Writing that now looks so odd because even back then I equated discipline with spanking or shouting–not abstinence. And abstinence was what I was aiming for. I felt like an alcoholic choosing to quit drinking–such was my addiction to sugar. So I started reading about sugar addiction and I learned so much about myself and my behaviors. Refined sugars are toxic to the body–a fact I never knew or even considered. As soon as you consume them, your body starts fighting to get rid of them. I learned about blood sugar spikes and the insulin response. I learned that I was living in a severe state of dehydration(I never drank water). I was so often eating when I was actually thirsty. I had to learn the difference between thirst and hunger. And early on I was simply amazed when I found that I didn’t need to eat very much to be full and satisfied. I learned fruit was sweet on its own(no more sugar on strawberries!) and actually good for my body. Learning was really fun because it gave me hope. Hope fueled my journey more than any thing else.

But the most important thing I realized about my situation was that overeating was sin. How did I know that? Because food controlled my life. I was absolutely, 100% out of control. I didn’t want to eat dozens of cookies at a time, but I couldn’t help myself. I felt great while I was eating them(blissfully numb) but I was completely enslaved to the habits. I would spend hours baking. My knees hurt. I couldn’t bend over without hurting my back. My knees throbbed. And still I would keep baking for the big payoff–eating until I was sick. Also, I didn’t like to share. I would eat dozens and allow my children only 2 or–if they were really lucky–three. I was greedy and selfish and just an overall mess. And I knew it was sinful. And I knew it had to stop.

So when I read Romans 6:12-14, I knew I had to memorize it in order to remind myself what I was dealing with. I knew that if Jesus died for my sin and I was no longer a slave to it, He could and would give me the strength to stop sinning. I typed up that verse and hung it over the kitchen sink. When I was tempted to bake cookies or eat foods filled with sugar, I read it–many times with tears streaming down my face.

So there you have it. It’s not a 3 step or 7 step or even a 10 step process. There’s no supplement you have to take or magical, motivational spiel. It’s just the truth as I have learned it. I think this is why Jesus said, “If you abide in my word, you are truly my disciples, and you will know the truth and the truth will set your free.” In Jesus I have found freedom from slavery to sin via food. Not that I have attained perfection. I am still dealing with my sin and various temptations(which is why I read John Owen). But He gives me the strength to keep fighting to honor Him with my body. If you believe in Him and ask for his help, He will help you too. No matter what sin you are struggling with. And that, my friends, is my un-step guide to learning how to live a healthy lifestyle.

“Be killing sin or it will be killing you.” John Owen

“But Mom, I’m really good at being lazy.” These words spewed from my 15 year old son when I asked him to help me with a task yesterday. I was rushing through food prep and trying like crazy to be on time for Thanksgiving dinner. I just needed some quick help and got a snarky response instead. And while one can chalk it up to teenage hormones or the all-around general bad attitude that flows from the “typical” teenager, I hated to hear those words. Because to celebrate laziness is to buy the lie that its okay.

I feel like I am in a constant war with laziness. Be it my lackadaisical attitude toward my diet, or trusting too heavily on robust workouts to balance out my poor food choices, I have noticed that my overall tendency to replace diligence with apathy is the overarching indicator that I’m pretty good at being lazy too. Because I have felt the static in the air lately, the barometric pressure of fleshly comfort pulsing against my skin in that taunting way that warns and beckons at the same time. I could see the black storm clouds rolling in and I knew I needed to grab an umbrella, or take shelter, or pray. But the excuses piled up, and doing the work of walking to the closet and pulling out the rain gear felt too arduous. So I found myself wandering around in the wind and rain, crabbing about my wet clothes and sulking under the weight of a heavy heart. And I feel pretty silly writing all of that down when I obviously know better.

And I don’t need a bathroom scale to tell me any of this. The lack of joy alone is disturbing, but when peace evaporates too, I know I’m in real trouble.

If spiritual cleanliness is next to godliness, then spiritual laziness is next to godlessness. At least that’s what I think John Owen was trying to say in his epic work, “Overcoming Sin and Temptation.” The battle rages ever on and if I am not fighting, I am losing.

Romans 8:13 “For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live.”

One of the fruits of sin I fight against is obesity. So when I am lazy with my thought practices and make poor food choices(like bingeing on my child’s Halloween candy), it’s no surprise that my clothes get tight. But it’s also wrong to to use my waistline as a key indicator of the deep roots sin has in my life. Food is an idol, but so is self. Worshipping myself by eating too much is no different than worshipping myself with a perfectly trim body. Self-worship is my natural tendency and stepping outside of myself is what I have to do to conquer. And since there is nothing inside myself that will save me, I have to turn to my Savior.

Yesterday I jogged/walked in a 5K with the family of Shawn Daugherty. This young man lost his life in a tragic accident on the highway not far from my home. I wrote about his death on my blog before I knew he was my neighbor. He lived directly across the street from me and I came to know his family in the months following his death. They live with his loss every day and the 5K is a means to remember/commemorate his life. I was chasing my 8 year old son when he cut down a side street off the main route. He had seen all the others running and wasn’t fast enough to keep up. He was disheartened because he wanted to win(one of his mom’s pies) and knew he couldn’t. I let him take several shortcuts but made it clear that because of them, he would never win. His ensuing lecture was revealing.

Ephraim insisted that taking shortcuts was exactly how you win, no matter how much I tried to tell him otherwise. And while he eventually came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t taking a pie home, I was fascinated by his logic. He felt that if no one knew he was cheating, it wasn’t actually cheating. I told him God is always watching, but even short of that, Ephraim knew he was cheating, and that’s all that really mattered. A dishonest win is not a win at all. He didn’t agree with me but I am confident he will learn this over time. He is simply fighting the war against sin and self–making his desires more important than others by disobeying the rules of the game. The conversation reiterated to me that I must teach him how to fight against such faulty thinking or he will be forever plucking at the fruit of his sin rather than digging it out by the roots—as I did for so many long and agonizing years.

This war against self is brutal and reminds me of a sermon my then pastor preached years ago on Good Friday. It is etched into my brain because of the great hope it gave me in a particularly dark time in my life. Dave Greiner talked about the darkness of that Friday on Calvary–of the apparent victory of the hosts of hell when Jesus hung dying on the cross. He was quoting someone else when he shouted, “It’s Friday, but Sunday’s coming.” He went on to talk about Jesus coming back to life after having lain in a tomb for 3 days. That is the Christian’s only hope. And if it’s not true, we truly are the most unfortunate of followers. Because if Jesus did not rise from the dead, our faith is in a fallacy. I thought about that sermon this morning as I considered my spiritual laziness and the hope I have in one day being free of this dreadful body. It was that analogy that reminded me that I won’t be forever struggling, fighting, and waging the most brutal of battles against myself. One day, I will be free. In other words, Sunday’s coming!

Today is Friday. Today I am fighting against the temptation to let my flesh win. I don’t feel particularly strong or mighty, but I am fighting anyway. Corrie Ten Boom spoke three brave and true words in the notorious concentration camp, Ravensbrook. She said, “Jesus is victor.”

In the war against sin and self, I find those three words to be wonderful because I know them to be true.

Much like the tide, the waves of affliction rise and wash over me. I go through periods of general good health–like a placid sea–and I rejoice wholeheartedly. But then the wind kicks up, and suddenly I’m standing at the helm with a salt-encrusted face, and cracked and bleeding lips–waiting for the blast to subside. The only thing good about this scenario is that I am learning how to be a better navigator. Like a storm tested sailor, I am learning how best to respond when faced with certain drowning.

I used to believe that ill health was my fault. After all, it usually came after I had consumed toxic sugar or high fat foods. I know those things are not good for me and therefore blame myself when I consume them and then get sick. But I can’t be “perfect” all the time. No one can. So why is it so hard to forgive myself when the affliction comes? Blame and guilt and shame are like battering rams breaking down all my hard fought for gains. So, not only does my body feel bad, but my conscience is marred as well.

Recently I have been managing pestilence in the form of anxiety. When I share this with people they usually ask, “So what are you anxious about?” To which I reply, nothing much in particular. It’s just my body that’s anxious. I get nervous tremors or experience nightmares. I feel like my heart is in a race with my mind. These symptoms come even when I’m doing all the supposedly right things. It would be so easy to succumb to bitterness or rage. But I choose not to follow that path because the destination is decidedly dark.

Lately all the good thoughts within me have shriveled up. All the songs that usually come to mind when my body is happy, scatter like scurrying beetles. I struggle to remember Bible verses that comfort me and even to comprehend the things I read. My body refuses to respond to exercise and I find the only weapon left in my arsenal is rest. But even in rest I find myself rushed. As if I could somehow rest faster in order to get back to living life on my terms.

I laid in the bathtub yesterday and forced myself to be calm. I closed my eyes and willed my busy thoughts to cease. I emptied my brain and laid there, hoping the pain in my back would subside. All of my muscles were so twisted with stress that my spine gave out. If you have ever had an aching back, you will know how debilitating it is. And in the stillness I found still more anxiety. I found that I couldn’t stop my brain for longer than a few minutes. The emptiness inside swelled and I found myself gasping for beauty, for music, for words. Even in rest I found my heart racing and my brain misfiring. Sometimes it seems that no matter how hard I try, I cannot fix myself. And honestly, it feels like no one can.

It’s not a matter of more or better medicine.

No amount of rest restores my peace.

No friend can hug away the suffering.

And so all that is left for me to do is bear up beneath the weight of it and wait. And hope that maybe tomorrow or next week the pain will go back out with the thundering tide.

Today I am giving myself leave to wait. I am giving myself the grace to know that today will not last forever. In that regard I am also giving myself the gift of hope. I feel the cold sea water pulling me down, but hope is buoyant. Hope is the steadfast anchor for my soul. You see, even when my body is bewildered and frail, I know the things that are true. These truths are more powerful than all my measly efforts. And they comfort me. So today I am sharing a most precious truth with you, dear reader. Because storms will come. Waves will roll. And sometimes our fragile brains simply forget. And isn’t it nice to have a little reminder of the One who sees our suffering and made a way for us to conquer through it?

Isaiah 53

Who has believed what he has heard from us?
And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
and no beauty that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
Surely he has borne our griefs
and carried our sorrows;
yet we esteemed him stricken,
smitten by God, and afflicted.
But he was pierced for our transgressions;
he was crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace,
and with his wounds we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have turned—every one—to his own way;
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he opened not his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he opened not his mouth.
By oppression and judgment he was taken away;
and as for his generation, who considered
that he was cut off out of the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people?
And they made his grave with the wicked
and with a rich man in his death,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.
Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him;
he has put him to grief;
when his soul makes an offering for guilt,
he shall see his offspring; he shall prolong his days;
the will of the Lord shall prosper in his hand.
Out of the anguish of his soul he shall see and be satisfied;
by his knowledge shall the righteous one, my servant,
make many to be accounted righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will divide him a portion with the many,
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong,
because he poured out his soul to death
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and makes intercession for the transgressors.