I seem to be attracting a lot of these unsightly creatures lately. Candidly, I have been searching the recesses of my irritated soul for the appropriate way to respond. These monumental turds, whose rank behavior echoes the odious squelching sounds from “Bog of Eternal Stench” (of “Labyrinth” fame) require a concise comeback.
King Jerk
While jogging with my dog, Annabelle, this morning, we encountered dense foliage that covered the sidewalk. Since we were not equipped with a machete or jungle-resistant attire, we were forced to step into the street. The time was just shy of 7:00am and there was very little traffic. Still, one of the ickiest creatures known to mankind crawled out of the primordial soup, slithered into his car, and decided to putrefy the neighborhood with his stinky attitude. His highness—King Jerk—honked at me and swerved close enough to us to ensure we knew he meant business. Namely—that he was willing to kill us for invading a tiny portion of his road space. And since my mood was already in the toilet and I was not feeling overly charitable—I called him out for what he was—using hand gestures and loud gesticulations.
Truck Driving Trolls
Even worse, just a few nights ago I encountered a similiar reptile, two redneck-reminiscent, truck-driving Trolls nearly ran over two children in my subdivision. The lizard people honked and swerved, nearly toppling the wee (not older than 7 or 8) ones who were merely trying to enjoy a nice evening bike ride. The insipid behavior of the gutter trolls cannot be excused since we literally have no sidewalks. I was not alone in wondering if their impatience was worth the terrified looks of the little people. A nearby pedestrian and father gently guided his bike-riding son(not older than 5) onto a nearby driveway to avoid collision. Hollering once again proved ineffective. Terrible trolls are cowardly creatures who retreat the moment you raise your voice. They are instantly adept at scurrying back under the bridges from whence they crawled.
Unbearable Bog People
But this behavior is not limited to impatient drivers who would rather murder someone than take five seconds to ensure the safety of their neighbor. The workplace is filled with unbearable bog people who squish and squelch with the best of them. A friend recently told me a story about a stupendously despicable organism who plays the part of boss in real life. This boss makes increasingly unreasonable demands, requires work be completed in an impossible time-period, and then declares the work Wrong. When the employee respectfully asks for feedback (so they can correct mistakes) the boss promises to provide edits but then delegates that work to another unfortunate soul who is so overburdened with his own responsibilities that it never gets done. Even worse, this horrifically smelly smog boss wants instant feedback on its own work. It presents the unfortunate employee with reports and expects an immediate response. If the employee delays, he or she can expect bad-breath-down-the-back behavior—since there is no hope of escape shy of quitting.
Jerk Free Zone
Unfortunately, no segment of society is free from these smelly slugs. Be it the grocery cart cretin who shoves their battering ram into unsuspecting shoppers, or the grody advice-giving-know-it-all, we are constantly inundated with jerks and jerkish behavior. I hereby declare that society needs a “Jerk Free Zone”. We need citizens to be aware they live in community, not on the glorious “Guilt Free Island of Self”. When words are sharper than weapons, we need human beings who are willing to abstain from speaking unless they have something nice to say. We need kind-hearted givers who hug instead of shove. We need holistic hearers who help not harm. We need tender-hearted hand-ups instead of hard-hearted slaps across the face. When every day is precious—and very well may be our last—we need humans who are willing to take lessons in kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. And then we need them to teach others to do the same.
The Age of Road Rage
We are on a collision course with jerks every single day of our lives. Like a bicycle accident, it is not a matter of “if” it is only a matter of “when”. So please consider, if you find yourself reading this and your blood pressure begins to rise at the mere thought of children pressing the button to cross in the crosswalk and how it might impact your commute, well, you just might be a Jerk! And if you see someone moving towards a parking spot and you zip in front of them really fast and steal it, you might be a Jerk. And if your child asks you to make them lunch and you tell them to shut up and go away because you would rather read about what President Trump did today, you might be a Jerk. And if your friend trusts you with a secret and you tell everyone that secret behind her back—you are definitely a Jerk! We wonder why civilization is so uncivilized and I think at least part of the answer is the proliferation of Jerks.
So, until that day when the Mighty Jerk Healer comes and gives us Jerk-free bodies to live in perpetual joy and communion with Him for all eternity, I entreat the dear reader to perpetuate a Jerk-Free zone in your community today. Start with your own home, the street you live on or maybe even your whole neighborhood. Help little old ladies across the street. Bake cookies for the new neighbor moving in. turn down your rap music so it doesn’t vibrate through every house on your street when you drive by. And live in peace and harmony with all of humanity to the best of your ability.
And when you can’t…stay in the Bog of Stench where you belong!
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