Who Needs Resolutions?

So the holidays are over and everyone is talking about New Year’s Resolutions, many of which center around body shape and size. I can usually gauge the attitude of my peers by the advertisements I see online and on television. They run something along the lines of, “Hey, Fatty! Did you eat too much? Have I got a pill/gym membership/diet for you!” It’s insulting really, and yet it is quite effective. These advertisements exploit our insecurities for a profit. At best they offer a temporary solution. At worst, they rob us of our hard earned dollars and affect no change. For that reason and many others, I really want to resolve not to make resolutions.

But it’s not that simple. The never-ending project that is my body demands attention. And while images of six pack abs and toned thighs don’t chaff me like they used to, I am keenly aware I still have a lot of work to do. But how do I set my barometer? Should I measure myself against the models I see depicted in modern media? Against my friends? Against my family? More importantly, in order to achieve results, how do I formulate an attack against my vices? If I resolve to be kinder to my neighbors, how do I formulate a plan for jerks that cut me off in traffic and signal after the fact with their middle finger? Or how do I make—and stick to—a solid plan to get 8 hours of sleep a night? To be honest, once I start thinking about all the things I need to do to live a healthier lifestyle, I get a little overwhelmed. Now maybe you’ve never had that problem. Maybe you bounced out of your mother in perfect form. If that is the case, bless you. Go in peace. If not, read on.

I struggle daily with temptation. The list is so long I couldn’t possible include all of it here, but for the sake of argument I’ll state the obvious, the temptation to find satisfaction in food is a doozy. If I am lax for a moment, the monkey jumps on my back and takes me down. Now I’ll be candid, I don’t like monkeys. Monkeys are stinky and they throw their own poo. I also happen to think they are ugly. I like animals. I like birds. I even like fish. I do not like monkeys. Eh hem. Back to the subject matter at hand. Where was I? Oh, yes. Overeating!

I was very disciplined for the month of December. I made dozens of cookies for my family and friends(Obviously this makes me two-faced and evil since I preach self-control and the ills of consuming sugar, but I digress!). I resolved not to eat a single cookie and stuck to that plan for a good, long while. At least until I fulfilled a family obligation to visit an all you can eat Chinese Buffet the weekend after Christmas. I thought I was safe. I thought, I’ll sample a little of everything and just enjoy feasting for an hour. I was feeling confident because I lost 5 pounds in December. I thought, how bad could enjoying one meal be? But after 4 trips to the buffet even my children were astounded by my ability to eat. The embarrassed looks weren’t enough and so they began chiding me openly.

“C’mon, Mom! How much more are you going to eat?”

And I just kept nibbling and tasting until every corner of my stomach was filled – all 57 of them. I had decided going into that meal that I would relax and just enjoy myself. After all, I had skipped breakfast and rode my bike 28 miles that morning. If that didn’t earn me a hearty feast I don’t know what would! I resolved that once the feast was over, I would be done. Easy, right?

Well, not so much. When I got home my sweet tooth reminded me of the left-over cookies and, well, since my sweet tooth and the monkeys are in cahoots, I was hogtied and walloped before you could say, “C’mon, Mom! How many more cookies are you going to eat?”

And that, my friends, is how I gained 5 pounds in 2 days and effectively negated all of my hard work in the month of December.

No wonder when people start talking about resolutions, I tend to roll my eyes(though I am definitely resolving to try not to roll my eyes because it’s rude and I definitely need to resolve to not be rude). But it’s important for me to remain diligent to my goals. I want to keep my body in the best physical condition I can for as long as I can and that requires something more potent than a simple resolution.

Next time…Forget resolutions, what is your real purpose?