When a man is getting better he understands more and more clearly the evil that is still left in him.
C. S. Lewis
When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected) he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along-illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation-he is disappointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him into situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecessary: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us.
C. S. Lewis
So here we are a week after my last post and the temptation to eat brownies is stronger than ever. Maybe it was the stress of my morning (public speaking!) or maybe it’s the beautiful, white, fluffy snow that’s coming down like something from a Christmas Hallmark movie, but I am seriously undone. I want to eat with abandon. I want to bake and imbibe and drown in the succinct pleasure of sugar laden cakes.
I could analyze it until I’m blue in the face but that won’t help the situation. The temptation is clear and I must resist. I guess this is where I candidly admit; once a glutton, always a glutton. And since I have learned that if I’m not actively fighting against it–all is lost–I must press forward in faith.
I remember a moment early on in my journey when the temptation was chocolate chip cookie dough and I succumbed. I was halfway through eating the bowl of dough when I realized-with horror-what I was doing. I immediately threw it in the trash. Self sabotage is real and potent. No matter how sweet the dessert is, it is bitter when I consider regain and slavery. I am no longer enslaved to food-I refuse to be! But the devil whispers in my ear and I feel the lust return. If it were not for God’s incredible grace, I would be right back where I started; without hope.
It is when the temptation is greatest that I must fight the hardest. Today I turned to music. I needed something to comfort my soul. I had tried reading, watching the birds whirl around my feeders, and drinking hot tea. I asked a friend to pray for me to not make and eat brownies (accountability partners are so important!) and then I turned on some music. The very first song that played stopped me in my tracks. A lump rose in my throat. Then I started to cry. The relief was palpable.
Ben Shive
And every sad seduction, and every clever lie,
Every word that woos and wounds the pilgrim, children of the sky
The king of love will break them by and by.
This Ben Shive tune as covered by Andrew Peterson was a salve to my heart in such a weak and tender moment. It reminded me of the great truth that Christ is coming! He will rise up in the end.
Whatever you are struggling with today… be it food, alcohol, heroin or pornography; there is hope. Keep fighting. Press forward into the love of a Savior who was crushed on the cross to provide freedom for us. When the night is darkest, we all long to be saved. He stands at the ready. Look to Jesus. He is our lighthouse in the storm!
Today is a gift. I am reminded once more of my humanity and helplessness. I am also reminded I am never alone. Help is a gasping prayer away. So take heart. The cry, “God help me!” never falls on deaf ears.
Your humility to share this is such a blessing! Thank you for shining light so we can all see we are not alone.